A few people in real life read my blog, and I've known this for a while. I didn't really mind, but I notice now that I honestly do. I can't write freely here, knowing that some of my friends and family are reading every word. I love them all, of course, but some things you just want to keep to yourself (and then share with the internet, logically).

The truth is, I've been going through a really rough patch. Rougher than I've let on anywhere, and although I tried to talk about it in this blogpost, I wasn't quite telling the truth. I tried as best I could, but when you're feeling on top of the world for a few hours, it's hard to put yourself back into your regular mindset and explain what that's like.

I almost have periods of euphoria. I feel so lucky and excited about everything life has to offer, and I want to run through the streets and sing at the top of my lungs. And then there's the other bit. This is the majority of my time, where everything feels pointless. Every day is uphill, and even just the thought of trying to climb it is exhausting.

Most days, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to be at school, but I don't want to sit at home either. When I'm here, all I want is to go back home to my parents, but when I'm there with them, I just want to come back here. If I'm socialising, all I want to do is be alone, but when I'm alone I'd do anything to be with friends. It makes everything I'm doing, even things I'd usually enjoy, feel like a chore.

My mind is a bit of a mess at the moment - loose ends that don't tie up, plugs that won't fit into the right sockets. I need this space to sort that out.

I'm back now, and I'm going to try my hardest to stay here. I enjoy writing, and it definitely helps me. As self-centred as this sounds, I really enjoy sharing things. So I'm going to continue doing that.

I won't be doing blogmas, as I'm sure you've guessed. My blog isn't particularly christmas-themed this year, which I sort of regret, but I don't have time to change it. I will be posting more often than I have recently though, and I'll try to have a post up every Tuesday.

I'm excited to be back and to have something to put my heart into, like I used to love.

Thank you for sticking around, or if you're new, welcome!