Where Can I Put My Excitement?


At the moment, I feel like I'm hanging in suspense for what's about to happen.

I love my friends and I always have great fun when I go out with them, but I also love staying in and eating pizza alone. Sometimes I feel like the only nights I'm allowed to count as good ones are the ones where exciting things happen. The nights where I do exciting things with my friends, or try new things. Although I love these memories and wouldn't trade them for the world, evenings spent on skype with a long distance friend or in front of the telly watching top model with my mum are equally comforting to me.

I'm moving out next year. Long story, but basically I need to move for school. This makes me insanely happy, as I'll be able to meet so many new people and have new experiences, and I'm not altogether sad about leaving my current town. I find myself awaiting June desperately, and sometimes it feels like this entire year is counting down towards that.

But yet, I need to pull myself together sometimes.
This has been the best year of my life so far, and although I'm sure next year will be great too, most of my friends will have graduated high school and will be strewn all over the world, some of whom I might not see again. That's not really something to look forward to.

I need to remember that I'm in a great place now. I've had so many amazing experiences these past few months, and discovered so much of who I am. I'm allowed to look forward to the end of this school year, but I'm also allowed to be content with where I'm at right now.

Content with the fact that last night was spent in good company and I made new friends who I'll be sure to see again. Content with the fact that in an hour, a good friend will be picking me up to drive to Jiu Jitsu class together, which I find really fun. Content with the small things, like the fact that my mum stocked up the fridge with several avocados, and that I found some great books about graphic design at the library. My room is almost tidy (for the first time in months) and my bed linen is clean.

All of these are things I can be excited about. I shouldn't have to hand out my excitement in doses, limiting it to only the things that seem worthy. Everything is exciting.



Suburbia by Troye Sivan - My Biggest Fear


Recently my very favourite song has been Suburbia, by Troye Sivan. It is a masterpiece, and I love and hate it at the same time.

It plays on all my biggest fears: that time passes too quickly for me to capture it.

I’m terrified that I’ll look back on my life someday, and think that I didn’t do enough. That I was too eager to move forward that I left what means the most to me behind.

Photo found on tumblr, click the image for the link.
In a few months, my entire life will change. I’m moving to a new city, my friends are all graduating, and some of them I’ll probably never see again. I know that this is the cycle of life, people grow up, change, and grow apart, but it is still what I am most terrified of.

Sometimes, I feel like what I want in life is not what’s best for me. All I really want is to move out, travel, meet new people and learn. Yet, this goes against everything that makes me happy. I love things that I’m familiar with. I love spending every summer at our cabin with the same people, I love family parties that I know are essentially boring. I love hanging out with the same friends at the same place every Friday night. I just love knowing what’s in store for me, and exactly what will happen. I don’t like change, and I don’t like facing new things.

This will be a good experience for me,  I know it. I just need something familiar to cling to.

Suburbia is just so incredibly beautiful, and fills me with emotion every time I listen to it. If I close my eyes, childhood memories come back. Visions of laughter, tree houses and summers spent at the beach, running into hugs from my parents. These are all happy memories, but tinged with the feeling that this is all gone, and I’ll never get it back.